Monday, November 8, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Adventures with the Rage Monster
Late August, I wrote a blog entitled “Meet the Rage Monster.” Today after I spent 45 minutes crying while lying in my bed in the fetal position with the covers over my head. Tempted to stay that way all day I was not sure what action to take. I opted no action. Well, not exactly…I showered, blew my hair dry and went an applied for a J-O-B. Perhaps, I need to get out of the house more often? Maybe I am hormonal? I am just happy to recognize it before I do too much damage.*
As for the Rage Monster, she has not yet subsided. I will lay low until I no longer want to destroy the person who hurt my feelings. My answer: delve into volunteering for Muskegon Civic Theatre.
* I took some initial action in the grips of my upset.
As for the Rage Monster, she has not yet subsided. I will lay low until I no longer want to destroy the person who hurt my feelings. My answer: delve into volunteering for Muskegon Civic Theatre.
* I took some initial action in the grips of my upset.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Adventures in Passport Photos
Earlier this week, I wrote of my thwarted attempts at obtaining a Michigan Drivers License with the end goal being a passport so I can participate in the Bud Light Port Paradise III in December.
My sister and I left West Michigan early Friday morning, driving to the Passport Office in downtown Detroit. Those of you not familiar with Michigan culture, we might have well been visiting another country.
Without any struggle and in awe of the congeniality of everyone we interacted with we go to Greek Town for lunch. Literally we wonder if they do drugs in the back room? We figure it must be payday and they are happy to have jobs in Detroit. My representative even told me he was going to Google me and read AD/OC.
As the waitress delivers the pizza to our table, my phone rings flashing a 313 area code. Recognizing the incoming call is from the Detroit area I answer. The male on the other end informs me that I need a different picture, as you cannot see my eyes in the one I submitted. He requests, if I am still in the Detroit area, a new photograph.
Problem: I was actually happy with my initial print. I even applied mascara, concealer and powder prior to taking said picture. These days, I am rarely bothered to wear pants with buttons let alone make-up.* As we were speaking about the problems I might encounter using said image I thought (luckily to myself) “I am going on a Booze Cruise it’s not like I am going to Yemen.” Unbeknownst to me there is some sort of Fed Ex terror threat involving said country currently occurring in the real world.
Luckily, in the main floor of the building is a shop that provides passport photos while you wait guaranteed. ** After gorging myself on Stuffed Chicago Style Pizza, we drive back to 211 West Fort Street.
As I am getting out of the car I ask Rachel how I look. Her response, “You could look worse.”
The sign on the door says, “Be Back in Five Minutes.” After waiting for ten minutes—with an expanding assortment of people—a clerk begins his shift. I pay $12.50 and return back to the second floor to deliver the new picture.
Bigger Problem: In the retake I opened my eyes really wide hence the new image could be confused for Ramona Singer’s Mug Shot. Crazy Eyes all the way. If I knew how to use Photoshop, I would have some fun with my Facebook Profile avatar.
As I hand them to the earlier clerk, he apologizes informing me that the approval for photo’s in subjective. Thankfully, I keep my smart-ass mouth in check about Yemen or terrorists.
Rachel and I are en route to the Coach Outlet in Howell when she starts to laugh and says, “You just look so insane in your picture.”
Nice. I am second guessing inviting you to join me in the Bahamas.
Coach is having a big sale and I get a purse for an additional seventy percent off the ticket price.*** Better yet, I find a purple passport case for twenty percent off; given purple is my favorite color I must have it.
As we head home, I start to laugh out loud asking Rachel, “Do you think the Coach Case will make me seem less insane in my picture.
“Probably Not.”
Fed Ex delivered the book this morning. I disagree the holder makes me look a teensy weensy bit more sane. Or maybe just less embarrassed. My likeness is contained in a purple Designer case. Whoever wants to mock me can kiss my ass.
For you enjoyment I have included both photos****. Again, please refer to the last sentence of the paragraph above….
Smooches!
*Except lipstick.
**Really not sure what the guaranteed part means but they had in italics in three different signs so it bears mentioning.
***The Dutch Girl in me delights at such bargains thus must purchase.
****They were taken less than a week apart so no I did not suddenly develop a pumpkin head in honor of Halloween.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
In my Opinion
OK, so my dad and I just watched Shit My Dad Says…he is way funnier and has agreed to let me pimp him out if I take care of him in his twilight years. Given his eating habits I am getting the better end of the deal. And given the decades of absolute embarrassment he owes me!!!
We are approaching the election so every ad—regardless of candidate or party—my dad makes fun of the media by saying things such as “Whore,” “He kills puppies,” “She should be hung,” or “they should hang that bastard.” When the good candidate appears he states, “the new hope,” or “she likes puppies.”
I just asked how to spell election and he responded, "Did you know you have a spell check in Microsoft Word?"
Followed by him asking if I was registered to vote in time for this election, I responded no and as I do not know enough about the Michigan candidates it's ok. He said, "that's easy you just vote for who I tell you to."
Um, no.
We are approaching the election so every ad—regardless of candidate or party—my dad makes fun of the media by saying things such as “Whore,” “He kills puppies,” “She should be hung,” or “they should hang that bastard.” When the good candidate appears he states, “the new hope,” or “she likes puppies.”
I just asked how to spell election and he responded, "Did you know you have a spell check in Microsoft Word?"
Followed by him asking if I was registered to vote in time for this election, I responded no and as I do not know enough about the Michigan candidates it's ok. He said, "that's easy you just vote for who I tell you to."
Um, no.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Mercury in Retrograde????
Recently, I won a booze cruise to the Bahamas.* Overall, a happy occurrence; however, a passport is required to board. On the surface that seems like an easy enough endeavor; yet, I am not certain if Mercury is Retrograde in Alyssaland but everything that can go wrong has gone wrong this far this week.
Oh did I mention I won the drawing on 10/17/10 but my guest and I must supply our information by 11/1/10? Yep, on Friday we will be driving to Detroit to secure expedited licenses to travel abroad. Prior to said appointment I need to get a birth certificate and a Michigan Driver’s License.
Yesterday, opting not to travel in what was predicted to be Armageddon, we ventured to the Secretary of State (SOS) in Grand Haven to acquire my Driver’s License. Armed with the information required in Illinois, I am informed I need to prove I have a Social Security Number (W-2, pay stub or government issued card), my identity (birth certificate or Passport), I am who I say I am with a photo idea (my Illinois license or a High School Yearbook**) and residence (utility bills, insurance certificate or a lease). I guess they do not trust that other states are doing their due diligence. Also, are there that many people longing to live in Michigan that they will lie about it such that two proofs of residence are necessary?
Luckily, the weather reports greatly exaggerated the rain portion of the doom and gloom therefore we later drove to the booming metropolis of Grand Rapids where I obtained two copies of my certificate.
First thing this morning I returned to the Grand Heven SOS armed with a pay stub, my valid out of state drivers license and two bills addressed to my parents as I could legally prove a family relationship given the birth certificate. Except, that branch doesn’t open until 11:00 on Wednesdays. Crap. After this ass ache I am going to need a booze cruise.
Having a doctor’s appointment later, I opt to go to the office in Muskegon—a lower caliber of clientele***—as it is nearby.
Did I mention that we have wind gusts of up to 50 miles per hour and I fear the clown car—the Red 1999 Ford Escort—will get swept into the sky and I will land in Oz?
No surprise, I enter the doctor’s office to be told I didn’t need to have the test after all. Um, maybe you could have mentioned that yesterday when you called to confirm the appointment?
I am in and out of the SOS within 20 minutes. I would have been out quicker but the clerk initially entered all my information for an ID Card as, “No one can qualify for licenses anymore.” Said another way Mollie spends a large portion of her day issuing photo identification for people whom, for whatever reason, the justice system of Muskegon have dubbed unfit to drive. Furthermore, she does that more than issue documentation allowing one to do so.
Soon, I will write a blog about Muskegon Drivers….till then I need to say I thought they allowed any moron to operate a motor vehical.
Friday, my sister and I head to D-town for Passports. I pray after all this effort they offer something other than Bud Light.
Later today, I rushed to the post office to mail something before 5:00. After flying by the Fruitport Branch twice, I entered the building to discover they close at 4:00. Nice.
I attended yoga tonight. I usually have no issue empting my day and being present. The sum total of the events from today annihilated my mellow and the relaxation came as a blessing.
Do you ever have days like mine? If so share with me. If you know of anyone who can relate pass this on to them.
* Bud Light you are good for something. When life is good in Alyssaland When bad it is...well read this blog.
** They didn’t put a timeline on this and I was tempted to bring in my 1992 North Muskegon High School Yearbook.
*** Fortunately for me the only thing I witnessed was the woman who locked her and her toddler daughter out her car. How do you even accomplish that this day in age?
http://www.sos.state.mi.us/drlic/proof.html
Oh did I mention I won the drawing on 10/17/10 but my guest and I must supply our information by 11/1/10? Yep, on Friday we will be driving to Detroit to secure expedited licenses to travel abroad. Prior to said appointment I need to get a birth certificate and a Michigan Driver’s License.
Yesterday, opting not to travel in what was predicted to be Armageddon, we ventured to the Secretary of State (SOS) in Grand Haven to acquire my Driver’s License. Armed with the information required in Illinois, I am informed I need to prove I have a Social Security Number (W-2, pay stub or government issued card), my identity (birth certificate or Passport), I am who I say I am with a photo idea (my Illinois license or a High School Yearbook**) and residence (utility bills, insurance certificate or a lease). I guess they do not trust that other states are doing their due diligence. Also, are there that many people longing to live in Michigan that they will lie about it such that two proofs of residence are necessary?
Luckily, the weather reports greatly exaggerated the rain portion of the doom and gloom therefore we later drove to the booming metropolis of Grand Rapids where I obtained two copies of my certificate.
First thing this morning I returned to the Grand Heven SOS armed with a pay stub, my valid out of state drivers license and two bills addressed to my parents as I could legally prove a family relationship given the birth certificate. Except, that branch doesn’t open until 11:00 on Wednesdays. Crap. After this ass ache I am going to need a booze cruise.
Having a doctor’s appointment later, I opt to go to the office in Muskegon—a lower caliber of clientele***—as it is nearby.
Did I mention that we have wind gusts of up to 50 miles per hour and I fear the clown car—the Red 1999 Ford Escort—will get swept into the sky and I will land in Oz?
No surprise, I enter the doctor’s office to be told I didn’t need to have the test after all. Um, maybe you could have mentioned that yesterday when you called to confirm the appointment?
I am in and out of the SOS within 20 minutes. I would have been out quicker but the clerk initially entered all my information for an ID Card as, “No one can qualify for licenses anymore.” Said another way Mollie spends a large portion of her day issuing photo identification for people whom, for whatever reason, the justice system of Muskegon have dubbed unfit to drive. Furthermore, she does that more than issue documentation allowing one to do so.
Soon, I will write a blog about Muskegon Drivers….till then I need to say I thought they allowed any moron to operate a motor vehical.
Friday, my sister and I head to D-town for Passports. I pray after all this effort they offer something other than Bud Light.
Later today, I rushed to the post office to mail something before 5:00. After flying by the Fruitport Branch twice, I entered the building to discover they close at 4:00. Nice.
I attended yoga tonight. I usually have no issue empting my day and being present. The sum total of the events from today annihilated my mellow and the relaxation came as a blessing.
Do you ever have days like mine? If so share with me. If you know of anyone who can relate pass this on to them.
* Bud Light you are good for something. When life is good in Alyssaland When bad it is...well read this blog.
** They didn’t put a timeline on this and I was tempted to bring in my 1992 North Muskegon High School Yearbook.
*** Fortunately for me the only thing I witnessed was the woman who locked her and her toddler daughter out her car. How do you even accomplish that this day in age?
http://www.sos.state.mi.us/drlic/proof.html
Monday, October 25, 2010
Drugs and Me
Over twenty years ago I first encountered my frennemy codeine; indeed time had washed away the bad influence he had on me. Perhaps I was so under his spell that I do not fully recall the detrimental effects he has on me. Sure, I remember being high as kite as my mom drove me from oral surgery as well as hours later laying in my own puke of blood in my our beige bathroom. I also remember attending the museum with my family only to get disoriented. Later the same day, I visited a friend forgetting I rode my bike to her house. After Wisdom Teeth Extraction (all four) I have very few memoriores of the following days except I was often confused.
Pills/drugs have never been a good idea for me. Actifed = Acifried. I become the poster child Nancy Regan’s anti-drug program. In fact after taking the innocent allergy tablet I have been forbade to drive. Once I inadvertently took said medication and I recall meeting a friend to usher for Cabaret in New York. When we met and I said, “Hi,” he smiled and said, “I think you are.”
Last week I went to an Urgent Care Facilty and left armed with more prescriptions than my 60 plus father. One of which was cough syrup with codeine. He was far kinder this rekindling of our relationship. Perhaps gentler due to the fact that he was mixed with cough syrup and not a narcotic painkiller. One will never know.
I am like Helen Keller, as words cannot describe my experience. I was a blob of flesh for whom language was insuccient. Given my control issues, I avoid most drugs as a rule. My only fore being pot in college, which was over a decade ago.
Last week melting into the couch I am sleeping on given the bed fiasco, I bonded with my Frennemy. Pretty sure I hallucinated, if not I encountered dream so vivid, I repeatedly woke myself up with my verbal, and at times physical, response. During the night, not quite asleep and not conscious I found myself in a conversation with myself.
Certainly, I can understand the draw to this drug; hence I am running as fast as I can. As for Alyssaland, It is a nice place to visit; you might want to live there.
Let me know your thoughts.
Pills/drugs have never been a good idea for me. Actifed = Acifried. I become the poster child Nancy Regan’s anti-drug program. In fact after taking the innocent allergy tablet I have been forbade to drive. Once I inadvertently took said medication and I recall meeting a friend to usher for Cabaret in New York. When we met and I said, “Hi,” he smiled and said, “I think you are.”
Last week I went to an Urgent Care Facilty and left armed with more prescriptions than my 60 plus father. One of which was cough syrup with codeine. He was far kinder this rekindling of our relationship. Perhaps gentler due to the fact that he was mixed with cough syrup and not a narcotic painkiller. One will never know.
I am like Helen Keller, as words cannot describe my experience. I was a blob of flesh for whom language was insuccient. Given my control issues, I avoid most drugs as a rule. My only fore being pot in college, which was over a decade ago.
Last week melting into the couch I am sleeping on given the bed fiasco, I bonded with my Frennemy. Pretty sure I hallucinated, if not I encountered dream so vivid, I repeatedly woke myself up with my verbal, and at times physical, response. During the night, not quite asleep and not conscious I found myself in a conversation with myself.
Certainly, I can understand the draw to this drug; hence I am running as fast as I can. As for Alyssaland, It is a nice place to visit; you might want to live there.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
On Politics and Writing
I am not political yet last night I tonight I found myself watching O’Reilly due to the fall out of Juan Williams. As for that situation, the state of society scares me because I do not want them (government) to tell me where I can smoke, eat, dry-clean or what I can say.
Admittedly, I am ignorant about most of politics—I do not know who George Soros is or why he is so evil. In Alyssaland, life works without getting worked up about such issues. Likewise, as a reaction to ALL politicians involved in the current Michigan election—the jobs that have left the state for China or wherever ARE NOT coming back. You are beating a dead horse. Think of how to create new jobs and I will pay attention to you. KNOCK KNOCK the 1980’s called they want their platform back.
Basically, my view is same shit different election and what is going to happen is going to happen.....
Most frightening to me, as a writer, is when Glenn Beck stated that his new book employed alliteration because it was written in three parts. Huh? My understanding is this tool--one of my favorite when I give a damn to edit--is the repeated use a letter starting words in a sentence and/or paragraph. I listen, thinking perhaps the names of the parts employed said literary device. Later in the show, someone asked Mr. O’Reilly about “Talking Points” wherein he responded it is a literary device taught in High School. Again, huh? I do not remember learning talking points but I sure remember learning the poetic device defined as:
In language, alliteration refers to repetition of a particular sound in the first syllables of a series of words and/or phrases. Alliteration has historically developed largely though poetry, in which it more narrowly refers to the repetition of a consonant in any syllables that, according to the poem's meter, are stressed, as in James Thomson's verse "Come…dragging the lazy languid Line along" [1]
Education and test scores being what they are in this country we cannot afford such misinformation from any outlet. Mr. Beck please learn your tools before you use them and Mr. O’Reilly, I fully support making fun of the lack of basic knowledge about reading, writing and arthritic. Perhaps you shouldn’t let a blatant error take place before your condemn another for not knowing.
Talk amongst yourselves....and let me know what you think.
Admittedly, I am ignorant about most of politics—I do not know who George Soros is or why he is so evil. In Alyssaland, life works without getting worked up about such issues. Likewise, as a reaction to ALL politicians involved in the current Michigan election—the jobs that have left the state for China or wherever ARE NOT coming back. You are beating a dead horse. Think of how to create new jobs and I will pay attention to you. KNOCK KNOCK the 1980’s called they want their platform back.
Basically, my view is same shit different election and what is going to happen is going to happen.....
Most frightening to me, as a writer, is when Glenn Beck stated that his new book employed alliteration because it was written in three parts. Huh? My understanding is this tool--one of my favorite when I give a damn to edit--is the repeated use a letter starting words in a sentence and/or paragraph. I listen, thinking perhaps the names of the parts employed said literary device. Later in the show, someone asked Mr. O’Reilly about “Talking Points” wherein he responded it is a literary device taught in High School. Again, huh? I do not remember learning talking points but I sure remember learning the poetic device defined as:
In language, alliteration refers to repetition of a particular sound in the first syllables of a series of words and/or phrases. Alliteration has historically developed largely though poetry, in which it more narrowly refers to the repetition of a consonant in any syllables that, according to the poem's meter, are stressed, as in James Thomson's verse "Come…dragging the lazy languid Line along" [1]
Education and test scores being what they are in this country we cannot afford such misinformation from any outlet. Mr. Beck please learn your tools before you use them and Mr. O’Reilly, I fully support making fun of the lack of basic knowledge about reading, writing and arthritic. Perhaps you shouldn’t let a blatant error take place before your condemn another for not knowing.
Talk amongst yourselves....and let me know what you think.
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