A Means to an End?

For years, I was a creature of habit. I woke up at the same time, drank coffee, walked the same route to work, came home and took a bath to unwind, watched a little TV or chatted on the phone, went to bed then did the whole routine the next day. But now I am exploring what happens when one’s routine is abruptly interrupted. Particularly what happens to me when my routine is abruptly interrupted?

The first thing to alter was my relationship to time. When working, my spare time was fleeting and precious. I had to cram as much as possible into a finite period. I would wake up every Sunday nervous, and knowing, that I was not going to get done everything that had to get finished (cleaning, laundry and errands) as well as everything that I wanted to get accomplished (pool/beach, reading, catching up on the Television and just plain resting). I carefully planned my time off to maximize my agenda. The first few days of not working, I would wake up frenzied to complete everything. Like, each day was Sunday and I had one day to organize my life and restore myself. I am still not certain if that mechanism does not kick in at least once a day. However if I don’t get the laundry done today, I will have time tomorrow. I find tremendous tranquility being able to entirely enjoy the task in which I am engaged without worrying about getting to the next thing.

With the absence of concern about checking things off my list, my mind got quiet and calm. For the first time in as long as I remember I am able to be with my thoughts. I can lay by the pool sans headphones or a book and just enjoy the experience of the sun. Opposed to fretting about what needed to be done next.

What became evident to me was how much of my life was structured in order to do something or to produce a result. I took a quick bath in the morning so I could drink my coffee, I walked so I could get to work and stay fit, and I took a longer bath at night in order to relax at the end of a long day. I laid by the pool so I could get the required rest and a nice healthy tan, I burnt candles so my apartment would smell nice, I did laundry in order to have clean clothes to wear to work. My habits were never about the experience of something but always a means to an end.

What happens to there is no end?

Well, you shift your context.

Move from scarcity to abundance.

I find myself doing things for the sake of doing them. As I write I am burning five candles.

I am by no means saying a means to an end and producing results is bad thing. However, many people cannot feel cared for or relaxed when the context is getting to the next thing. Thinking about it, doing so occurs as an oxymoron.

In being truly nurtured and rested, I am remembering who I am all over again. I have completed my crisis of confidence and I am recalling the powerful, confident, vibrant, sexy and beautiful woman I am.

Nurturing begets nurturing. I will be writing more about it as it is very much on my mind. What do you do to care for yourself? What is the context you hold your free time?

Stay tuned for how this fits in with my discovery to be feminine....

Time Isn't the Reason

Time is like money. You can never have enough and obtaining more never fixes your problems. For years, I employed working 70-80 hours a week as my excuse not to exercise. I walked to work and if I wasn’t working so much I would go to the fitness facility in apartment complex or use those hand weights that decorate the space on the floor next to my TV. I am not laboring as much and, big surprise, I am not working out either. Worse yet, I am not strolling to my job so I am less physically active. This has sparked a domino effect of thoughts.

One, I worked in highly structured, quite rigid environment so I created my apartment as the space for nurturing myself. In my limited downtime, the less amount of energy exerted the better. For the past month my undertaking has been resting, relaxing and regrouping. I go to bed when I am tired and I wake up when my body decides it has had enough sleep. In the beginning I required 12-14 hours or slumber; however, now it is about 8-9. I eat when I get hungry and I find myself eating less food. In short, I listen to my body. Never once has my body told me to go to the fitness facility and pick up those free weights. In my current context, the less energy exerted the better, that would not occur as something to do.

Second, since 2007 I have walked to work, or wherever, whenever possible as a preferred method to get from point A to point B. I have completed two Avon Walks for Breast Cancer. I have not produced a perspective for walking when there is nowhere to go. The thought of an aimless stroll seems foreign.

Every morning I lie to myself, “Today I will go for a walk or a bike ride.” And the day goes by then next thing I know it is 5:00. “Where did the time go? Wow, did I waste another day. Oh I don’t wanna go now. I’ll do it tomorrow.” And the next day plays out just like the day before. In the end, I mentally lambasted myself for being unmotivated.

After three weeks of this, my vanity thrashed my lethargy. Realistically, I am 35 years old and weight gain in the face of slothfulness seemed inevitable. As I inspected my body in the mirror, my context shifted. I am a vital young woman who needs to maintain herself. Exercise is more imperative than a pedicure, cut and color, or eyebrow wax. It is time for me to have the body of my dreams. I will have best figure yet by the time I turn 36 in August.

So yesterday, I laced up my sneakers and explored my neighborhood. I walked for three miles and viewed all sorts of cool places to check out in the future. I even tested a new sandwich shop. I came home and picked up those free weights and must have gotten inspired because the next thing I knew I was squatting and crunching. Moreover, last evening I went out and purchased new walking shoes and arm weights.

I am committing to exercising every other day and I cannot wait to test those new shoes tomorrow. I invite those of you who interact with me to hold me accountable.

Most people have some area of life they believe they would impact if they only had more time. What is yours?