A Means to an End?

For years, I was a creature of habit. I woke up at the same time, drank coffee, walked the same route to work, came home and took a bath to unwind, watched a little TV or chatted on the phone, went to bed then did the whole routine the next day. But now I am exploring what happens when one’s routine is abruptly interrupted. Particularly what happens to me when my routine is abruptly interrupted?

The first thing to alter was my relationship to time. When working, my spare time was fleeting and precious. I had to cram as much as possible into a finite period. I would wake up every Sunday nervous, and knowing, that I was not going to get done everything that had to get finished (cleaning, laundry and errands) as well as everything that I wanted to get accomplished (pool/beach, reading, catching up on the Television and just plain resting). I carefully planned my time off to maximize my agenda. The first few days of not working, I would wake up frenzied to complete everything. Like, each day was Sunday and I had one day to organize my life and restore myself. I am still not certain if that mechanism does not kick in at least once a day. However if I don’t get the laundry done today, I will have time tomorrow. I find tremendous tranquility being able to entirely enjoy the task in which I am engaged without worrying about getting to the next thing.

With the absence of concern about checking things off my list, my mind got quiet and calm. For the first time in as long as I remember I am able to be with my thoughts. I can lay by the pool sans headphones or a book and just enjoy the experience of the sun. Opposed to fretting about what needed to be done next.

What became evident to me was how much of my life was structured in order to do something or to produce a result. I took a quick bath in the morning so I could drink my coffee, I walked so I could get to work and stay fit, and I took a longer bath at night in order to relax at the end of a long day. I laid by the pool so I could get the required rest and a nice healthy tan, I burnt candles so my apartment would smell nice, I did laundry in order to have clean clothes to wear to work. My habits were never about the experience of something but always a means to an end.

What happens to there is no end?

Well, you shift your context.

Move from scarcity to abundance.

I find myself doing things for the sake of doing them. As I write I am burning five candles.

I am by no means saying a means to an end and producing results is bad thing. However, many people cannot feel cared for or relaxed when the context is getting to the next thing. Thinking about it, doing so occurs as an oxymoron.

In being truly nurtured and rested, I am remembering who I am all over again. I have completed my crisis of confidence and I am recalling the powerful, confident, vibrant, sexy and beautiful woman I am.

Nurturing begets nurturing. I will be writing more about it as it is very much on my mind. What do you do to care for yourself? What is the context you hold your free time?

Stay tuned for how this fits in with my discovery to be feminine....