Let Men be Men

In my early twenties, I looked after a lovely little boy named Charlie. I started to baby-sit him at age 3 and continued to take care of him until his family moved right prior to him starting first grade. The little prince, small for his age with a mop of naturally curly sandy blonde hair that he hated, was all boy and the sweetest one at that. Upon my entering his house he would say, “Awyssa, you wook so pretty today.” He would proceed to grab the first available object and give it to me stating, “I maded this for you.” Once we were going to his friends’ house for dinner and he very somber sat me down, holding my hand, to notify me, “I might tawk to my friends more that you. Don’t be sad. We will spend time together water.” I would tuck him in at night and he would say, “I wanna cuddle.” I remember sitting with my friend Amy and her very active toddle Jack. We had a conversation with him about how he was never going to be disrespectful towards women. How do these little boys start out so sweet? What happens to them in puberty?

It isn’t puberty. It’s women. We disempower these little heroes to the point where they become the men we complain about as adults. No mother, aunt, grandmother, babystitter, teacher or girlfriend intends to do this but by the time they are in their college years they are so afraid of getting in trouble, yelled at, eliminated by a women that they became the creatures we hoped they would never be. We take princes and turn them into frogs. We are frog farmers.

I literally collect of frogs. An abundance of little frogs—candles, figurines, flannel and cotton nightshirts. I once had underwear with frogs on them. I have Peter Gabriel singing, “Kiss that Frog” live in my Itunes. All to remind me, you have to kiss an excruciating number of frogs to locate your prince. Why would you kiss them if you didn’t think they were a prince in the first place?

How many times have you started a new relationship and you knew you were dating an attentive, affectionate, thoughtful, peaceful prince yet as the relationship progressed he turned into a frog? I have farmed many frogs in my lifetime. Complaining, whining, withholding, mothering, taking over what they are doing, disappoving (including rolling your eyes and the curt “fine”), ignoring, interrupting, comparing them to other men or boys, and trying to be the better man is just a sampling of the fertalizer available to launch a frog farm. Who doesn’t do that right? How are you going to get men to do what you want them to do? Well, did you do those things when you first started dating? Probably not, because we don’t do those things to princes.

Exploring my significantly disastrous dating life, I realize the reason for breakdowns in my relationships is I have not allowed men be men. Convinced they are going to screw me over, not desire me, or find someone better I attempt to disempower them so that I don’t get my heartbroken. From my first love to the current relationship I notice this to be true. The problem begins the moment we, as women, unknowingly, lay the fertilizer for a frog farm given men cannot win which considering their competitive nature they are not going to play a game that they cannot succeed. For the average woman this clarifies why it looks like they take their ball and go home.

As women, a man dismays us when he fails to do what we, as females, would do in that situation. Men are not women. Men are men. DNA does not allow them to do what we would do. Let men be men and boys be boys and see what opens up for you.

To all the healthy, honorable men I have dated, I am sorry for making you a product of my frog farm.