This weekend I attended a course called UNDERSTANDING WOMAN—UNLOCKING THE MYSTERY. One might wonder why I took a course to learn how to understand myself. I even questioned it. Thankfully, I ignored my arrogant ego telling me I know my gender and myself. In April, I wrote a blog called “I am not the Better Man….Now What?” This weekend I answered that question. To quote Alison Armstrong, who led the course and created PAX Programs, “You’re not crazy; you’re a woman.”
I have always exhibited impulsive behavior; which in moments of clarity seem insane even to me. Upon being hurt I would lash out and attempt to destroy the person or people who hurt me—sometimes anyone who was in my path. I would say and do things that seemed irrational at best. My mom called this being a “needling Bitch.” Yep, life is going along then someone—a parent, my sister, my friends, my boyfriends and even my bosses—would say or do something that hurt me and I would start to exhibit unstable behavior such as telling my mom that “I never felt loved” and all the evidence I had since I was born. Instead of charming, adorable Alyssa a demon took over my body. I could not stop.
The aftermath of this detrimental behavior was distance in my relationships and immense shame. Committing to never have it happen again, I would go to work on myself and could go weeks or months until it happened again. I thought there was something very wrong with me.
This weekend Alison introduced me to “Rage Monster.” And every woman has one.
Something happens. Something is said or not said. Something is done or not done. Women figure out what it means from their feminine perspective that is really to say, “what would it mean if it did this?” The answer always results in hurt feelings. Emotional hurting, for a woman, is a physical experience: effecting breathing, posture and ability to make eye contact. We curl up in a ball or lay straight in our bed and “Rage Monster” takes over. The first thing that occurs after the possession is it access the “past offence file.” Thoughts become dominated by “On June 25th when I was wearing the Red Dress you (assaulting party) did ___________.” “Oh, and five years ago on September 1, at that Labor Day party _____________ happened.”
The “past offence file” exists of things which, when sane, didn’t upset us at the time but get automatically saved so “Rage Monster” has ammunition. When they happened we were not upset.
“Rage Monster” exists for a sole purpose—total destruction of the person who hurt me. A dialogue plays in our heads and it takes the raw material and edits for the most injurious attack.” Like it says, “Pause. No we can do better. Take the Labor Day Party and lead with that followed by….”
You might feel compelled to fight with the “Rage Monster.” Not a good idea. At all. At. All. It thrives on the opponent’s energy. You engaging in an argument excites it. Saying things like, “I didn’t hurt your feelings I just___________” is fuel.
“Rage Monster” possesses our bodies and we have very little control. The real authentic us is in a very tiny place in the back of our brain but unable to intervene in the situation. Yet, a small part of us knows, as we say what we say, how idiotic the content is.
Given the laughter of recognition from the men and women in the course; the rage monster is not unique to only me. After about 30 years to know this is common to many women is liberating. I am not crazy and I am not the only one allowing the shame and fear melted away. Now, I have the opportunity to understand, apologize for, and combat “Rage Monster.”
Ladies and Gentleman, I am interested in finding out about your experiences of “Rage Monster.” Also, if you are interested in finding out how to effectively combat it please visit www.understandmen.com and sign up for the course, as it will change your life.
Showing posts with label Women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Women. Show all posts
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The Anti Cougar
Last week I met an old friend for lunch. When talk turned to my boyfriend, who is 19 years my senior, the first question was, “Do you need to use the little blue pill?”
I have consistently dated men older than me. Maybe by a year or two however usually closer to a decade or more. Hence the concept of being a Cougar occurs as foreign to me. By no means am I belittling the older woman/younger man dynamic if it works for you. What irks me is that Cougars are celebrated in society while the older man/younger woman pairing raises questions.
If a man dates a woman 8 or more years his senior he is a stud. When a woman sees an older man she is a gold digger who’s sex life relies on pharmaceutical help. Rarely do you hear the term “trophy husband” but it’s feminine equivalent is commonplace.
People applauded Demi when she married Ashton but questioned Catherine’s motives and sanity when she wed Michael Douglas. When the ladies get together for cocktails they give one another a, “You Go Girl” when sharing about younger boyfriends while referring to the men their age dating the same aged woman as a letch or among a midlife crisis.
On the show COUGARTOWN the character if Grayson is constantly criticized for dating younger vacuous women. The stereotype being that we who enjoy the company of older men are idiots who only serve a purpose when we are on out backs. Or scheming sluts stealing single mates from woman of substance. How many plots involve a youthful siren seducing someone’s spouse versus some young stud stealing some middle-aged wife?
Consider that older men and younger woman can be compatible. Just as the opposite can be true. Perhaps, we should stop evaluating relationships and allow people be content with whomever they choose.
I do not have daddy issues. I am a strong independent woman who has a partner who encourages me to be ever more self-reliant. Are there generational differences? Yes. Are they insurmountable? No.
Though my relationship has been rocky at times, I am blessed to have someone in my life who is my hero, my champion and listens to me as bigger than I know myself to be. Who understands and supports me. Who cares about my happiness and would do anything for me. That is not a function of age but of genuine friendship and love.
I will assert to him I am more than just arm candy. I supply something in the relationship that is not a function of age but my unique personality, intelligence and talents.
A wise friend once said, “The only two people who know what is going on a relationship are the people who are in it.” So let’s make a deal. I won’t evaluate you and you don’t judge me.
I sense this is a topic about which many readers will have an opinion. I am curious to hear from you. What do you think about Cougars? Younger woman? What’s the biggest age difference you’ve ever had in your relationships?
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cougar
I have consistently dated men older than me. Maybe by a year or two however usually closer to a decade or more. Hence the concept of being a Cougar occurs as foreign to me. By no means am I belittling the older woman/younger man dynamic if it works for you. What irks me is that Cougars are celebrated in society while the older man/younger woman pairing raises questions.
If a man dates a woman 8 or more years his senior he is a stud. When a woman sees an older man she is a gold digger who’s sex life relies on pharmaceutical help. Rarely do you hear the term “trophy husband” but it’s feminine equivalent is commonplace.
People applauded Demi when she married Ashton but questioned Catherine’s motives and sanity when she wed Michael Douglas. When the ladies get together for cocktails they give one another a, “You Go Girl” when sharing about younger boyfriends while referring to the men their age dating the same aged woman as a letch or among a midlife crisis.
On the show COUGARTOWN the character if Grayson is constantly criticized for dating younger vacuous women. The stereotype being that we who enjoy the company of older men are idiots who only serve a purpose when we are on out backs. Or scheming sluts stealing single mates from woman of substance. How many plots involve a youthful siren seducing someone’s spouse versus some young stud stealing some middle-aged wife?
Consider that older men and younger woman can be compatible. Just as the opposite can be true. Perhaps, we should stop evaluating relationships and allow people be content with whomever they choose.
I do not have daddy issues. I am a strong independent woman who has a partner who encourages me to be ever more self-reliant. Are there generational differences? Yes. Are they insurmountable? No.
Though my relationship has been rocky at times, I am blessed to have someone in my life who is my hero, my champion and listens to me as bigger than I know myself to be. Who understands and supports me. Who cares about my happiness and would do anything for me. That is not a function of age but of genuine friendship and love.
I will assert to him I am more than just arm candy. I supply something in the relationship that is not a function of age but my unique personality, intelligence and talents.
A wise friend once said, “The only two people who know what is going on a relationship are the people who are in it.” So let’s make a deal. I won’t evaluate you and you don’t judge me.
I sense this is a topic about which many readers will have an opinion. I am curious to hear from you. What do you think about Cougars? Younger woman? What’s the biggest age difference you’ve ever had in your relationships?
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cougar
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
He's not a Jerk....He Just Cannot Do Two Things at Once
Frustrated in line at a coffee shop, everything was annoying me. The slowness of the server, the fact that the girl in front ordered a soy something or other, then she is digging for exact change. The barista is holding the cup for the drip coffee while he stands idly waiting on soy something or other girl. The café manager in me silently screams, you idiot pour the coffee while she savages for 11 cents. WAKE UP you have a line forming. Be efficient. I am 2 seconds from an audible and disempowering sigh accompanied with an eye roll when it occurs to me…he is a man and can only do one thing at a time. They can only hunt one animal at a time and they can only produce one result at a time.
I have heard for years that men are single focused. I never truly knew what that meant until that moment.
Later that evening I am chatting on Facebook, I notice that the chat with men is contemplative, slow and systematic compared to the women who are firing off messages like life depends on it and covering three topics in one thread. Single focus.
So many times, I jump to unfavorable conclusions sitting in a bar feeling ignored while the guy I am with watches the game NOT talking to me, “Is something wrong?” “Just watching the game” Huh? I can watch the TV and have a discussion at the same time. Must just be an excuse for NOT conversing with me. I pout and what had been a pleasant outing takes a turn for the worst. Football finished, he finally notices my sour mood asking, “What’s wrong?” “Nothing,” I retort thinking let’s play tit for tat. Sadly, we were not playing anything until I started it. Men cannot simultaneously watch baseball and disregard me because that would be doing two things.
When I turned 28, my dad forgot phone me to wish me a Happy Birthday. He knew it was my birthday when he left the house but forgot while he was driving to Detroit for the day. I was baffled.
So many times I have not understood when a man says, “Sorry, I couldn’t call you back I was doing blah blah blah….” Yeah, right. You couldn’t stop doing blah blah blah and call me? If you really cared you would call me. You must not love me. No. He is a hunter and if he doesn’t kill that animal (blah blah blah) the entire village could die or he wouldn’t be able to provide.
Understanding this clarifies why men think I am nuts when I jump to unfavorable conclusions which to the female brain make sense. The coven always validates my point of view. “If my boyfriend did that, I would break up with him!” “What a jerk!” “You believe him?” “He could have called.”
Men are not complicated; however, I have been making them outright sinister creating uncalled for conflict. This destructive direction of thinking turns me, a usually confident woman, into a needy, insecure, whiney teenage girl. When I am like that I am neither attractive to men or myself.
The barista provided me with coffee but a practical example of single focus. He led me to an inquiry which has much of my relationships with men make sense. In the long run, the server’s inability to multitask will prevent fights and the ugliness that ensues.
I have heard for years that men are single focused. I never truly knew what that meant until that moment.
Later that evening I am chatting on Facebook, I notice that the chat with men is contemplative, slow and systematic compared to the women who are firing off messages like life depends on it and covering three topics in one thread. Single focus.
So many times, I jump to unfavorable conclusions sitting in a bar feeling ignored while the guy I am with watches the game NOT talking to me, “Is something wrong?” “Just watching the game” Huh? I can watch the TV and have a discussion at the same time. Must just be an excuse for NOT conversing with me. I pout and what had been a pleasant outing takes a turn for the worst. Football finished, he finally notices my sour mood asking, “What’s wrong?” “Nothing,” I retort thinking let’s play tit for tat. Sadly, we were not playing anything until I started it. Men cannot simultaneously watch baseball and disregard me because that would be doing two things.
When I turned 28, my dad forgot phone me to wish me a Happy Birthday. He knew it was my birthday when he left the house but forgot while he was driving to Detroit for the day. I was baffled.
So many times I have not understood when a man says, “Sorry, I couldn’t call you back I was doing blah blah blah….” Yeah, right. You couldn’t stop doing blah blah blah and call me? If you really cared you would call me. You must not love me. No. He is a hunter and if he doesn’t kill that animal (blah blah blah) the entire village could die or he wouldn’t be able to provide.
Understanding this clarifies why men think I am nuts when I jump to unfavorable conclusions which to the female brain make sense. The coven always validates my point of view. “If my boyfriend did that, I would break up with him!” “What a jerk!” “You believe him?” “He could have called.”
Men are not complicated; however, I have been making them outright sinister creating uncalled for conflict. This destructive direction of thinking turns me, a usually confident woman, into a needy, insecure, whiney teenage girl. When I am like that I am neither attractive to men or myself.
The barista provided me with coffee but a practical example of single focus. He led me to an inquiry which has much of my relationships with men make sense. In the long run, the server’s inability to multitask will prevent fights and the ugliness that ensues.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Let Men be Men
In my early twenties, I looked after a lovely little boy named Charlie. I started to baby-sit him at age 3 and continued to take care of him until his family moved right prior to him starting first grade. The little prince, small for his age with a mop of naturally curly sandy blonde hair that he hated, was all boy and the sweetest one at that. Upon my entering his house he would say, “Awyssa, you wook so pretty today.” He would proceed to grab the first available object and give it to me stating, “I maded this for you.” Once we were going to his friends’ house for dinner and he very somber sat me down, holding my hand, to notify me, “I might tawk to my friends more that you. Don’t be sad. We will spend time together water.” I would tuck him in at night and he would say, “I wanna cuddle.” I remember sitting with my friend Amy and her very active toddle Jack. We had a conversation with him about how he was never going to be disrespectful towards women. How do these little boys start out so sweet? What happens to them in puberty?
It isn’t puberty. It’s women. We disempower these little heroes to the point where they become the men we complain about as adults. No mother, aunt, grandmother, babystitter, teacher or girlfriend intends to do this but by the time they are in their college years they are so afraid of getting in trouble, yelled at, eliminated by a women that they became the creatures we hoped they would never be. We take princes and turn them into frogs. We are frog farmers.
I literally collect of frogs. An abundance of little frogs—candles, figurines, flannel and cotton nightshirts. I once had underwear with frogs on them. I have Peter Gabriel singing, “Kiss that Frog” live in my Itunes. All to remind me, you have to kiss an excruciating number of frogs to locate your prince. Why would you kiss them if you didn’t think they were a prince in the first place?
How many times have you started a new relationship and you knew you were dating an attentive, affectionate, thoughtful, peaceful prince yet as the relationship progressed he turned into a frog? I have farmed many frogs in my lifetime. Complaining, whining, withholding, mothering, taking over what they are doing, disappoving (including rolling your eyes and the curt “fine”), ignoring, interrupting, comparing them to other men or boys, and trying to be the better man is just a sampling of the fertalizer available to launch a frog farm. Who doesn’t do that right? How are you going to get men to do what you want them to do? Well, did you do those things when you first started dating? Probably not, because we don’t do those things to princes.
Exploring my significantly disastrous dating life, I realize the reason for breakdowns in my relationships is I have not allowed men be men. Convinced they are going to screw me over, not desire me, or find someone better I attempt to disempower them so that I don’t get my heartbroken. From my first love to the current relationship I notice this to be true. The problem begins the moment we, as women, unknowingly, lay the fertilizer for a frog farm given men cannot win which considering their competitive nature they are not going to play a game that they cannot succeed. For the average woman this clarifies why it looks like they take their ball and go home.
As women, a man dismays us when he fails to do what we, as females, would do in that situation. Men are not women. Men are men. DNA does not allow them to do what we would do. Let men be men and boys be boys and see what opens up for you.
To all the healthy, honorable men I have dated, I am sorry for making you a product of my frog farm.
It isn’t puberty. It’s women. We disempower these little heroes to the point where they become the men we complain about as adults. No mother, aunt, grandmother, babystitter, teacher or girlfriend intends to do this but by the time they are in their college years they are so afraid of getting in trouble, yelled at, eliminated by a women that they became the creatures we hoped they would never be. We take princes and turn them into frogs. We are frog farmers.
I literally collect of frogs. An abundance of little frogs—candles, figurines, flannel and cotton nightshirts. I once had underwear with frogs on them. I have Peter Gabriel singing, “Kiss that Frog” live in my Itunes. All to remind me, you have to kiss an excruciating number of frogs to locate your prince. Why would you kiss them if you didn’t think they were a prince in the first place?
How many times have you started a new relationship and you knew you were dating an attentive, affectionate, thoughtful, peaceful prince yet as the relationship progressed he turned into a frog? I have farmed many frogs in my lifetime. Complaining, whining, withholding, mothering, taking over what they are doing, disappoving (including rolling your eyes and the curt “fine”), ignoring, interrupting, comparing them to other men or boys, and trying to be the better man is just a sampling of the fertalizer available to launch a frog farm. Who doesn’t do that right? How are you going to get men to do what you want them to do? Well, did you do those things when you first started dating? Probably not, because we don’t do those things to princes.
Exploring my significantly disastrous dating life, I realize the reason for breakdowns in my relationships is I have not allowed men be men. Convinced they are going to screw me over, not desire me, or find someone better I attempt to disempower them so that I don’t get my heartbroken. From my first love to the current relationship I notice this to be true. The problem begins the moment we, as women, unknowingly, lay the fertilizer for a frog farm given men cannot win which considering their competitive nature they are not going to play a game that they cannot succeed. For the average woman this clarifies why it looks like they take their ball and go home.
As women, a man dismays us when he fails to do what we, as females, would do in that situation. Men are not women. Men are men. DNA does not allow them to do what we would do. Let men be men and boys be boys and see what opens up for you.
To all the healthy, honorable men I have dated, I am sorry for making you a product of my frog farm.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
How I Spent my Weekend.....or What Men Really Want
When I was asked what I wanted to accomplish out of participating in Celebrating Men Satisfying Women the response came quickly. I wanted to stop disempowering men, learn what it means to be feminine, be more trusting and secure in my relationship, and understand why men do what they do. Admittedly, I was somewhat skeptical as I have taken a lot of courses and these issues had never been handled. Nevertheless, I had been hearing about the course for years. I had friends who took it whenit was still offered in Chicago. Then when it wasn’t, I had friends who flew to New York to participate. Furthermore, it seems now more people in my social circle have done it than those who haven’t. Every woman raves about it and I trust them so what do I have to lose. They have a money back guarantee and I have time on my hands.
Through the years, men have told me that a woman has everything to say about how a relationship goes. Really, I date strong men and they seem to want a say too? They would tell me, “men really want the women in their life to be happy.” Um, then why do they willingly keep doing things that they know will make me unhappy? They’d say, “Men are simple.” How simple can they be when I don’t understand why they do over half of what they do? They couldn’t answer my why questions? If men cannot answer my questions about men then why should I believe what they say? I will go to my faithful female friends, otherwise known as the coven. Men are clueless they would verify. He’s an asshole they would affirm. I wouldn’t put up with that shit they would announce. They would proceed tell me how they would address the situation, which I would act up. Things never ever ever turned out well. Fights and breakups often ensued.
So as more and more of my friends participated in this class they started to reiterate what men had been telling me for years. How could this be? Maybe I should check it out. So all things being right in the universe I registered for the class.
OMG! Why did I wait so long? If I had know what I was missing I would have flown from Chicago to New York YEARS ago. However, I think now is the perfect time for me to do this course. All my training and development not only added to, but also allowed for, me being ready for what this workshop taught. Out of my participation, I was able to pinpoint those ways of thinking, acting and being that had my relationships with men work and those that really really did not. I know that my unique skill set only made the experience richer.
What makes this program exceptional in that it is written by a woman and delivered by a woman. The only people who participate are women. The content is based on interviewing thousands upon thousands of men. The course is not an uniformed women talking about what they thing men want. It is relaying what men have said they want and how they think. My mind was blown by how men think, operate and relate to the world.
Throughout the class, I had about 100,000 moments when I understood why my life with men looked the way it did. Including the good, the bad and the ugly.
I will blog more about the specifics. I acquired everything I wanted and so so soooooo much more. Now it is possible for me is being satisfied with my relationships and not having to be in man-mode to produce a result.
So stay tuned. Men, I want to know from you what your thoughts are about this. What relationship advice can you give? What do you want women to know about men? Women who have done this program pipe in! Coven members, who have not, speak up too!
I love you all…
Through the years, men have told me that a woman has everything to say about how a relationship goes. Really, I date strong men and they seem to want a say too? They would tell me, “men really want the women in their life to be happy.” Um, then why do they willingly keep doing things that they know will make me unhappy? They’d say, “Men are simple.” How simple can they be when I don’t understand why they do over half of what they do? They couldn’t answer my why questions? If men cannot answer my questions about men then why should I believe what they say? I will go to my faithful female friends, otherwise known as the coven. Men are clueless they would verify. He’s an asshole they would affirm. I wouldn’t put up with that shit they would announce. They would proceed tell me how they would address the situation, which I would act up. Things never ever ever turned out well. Fights and breakups often ensued.
So as more and more of my friends participated in this class they started to reiterate what men had been telling me for years. How could this be? Maybe I should check it out. So all things being right in the universe I registered for the class.
OMG! Why did I wait so long? If I had know what I was missing I would have flown from Chicago to New York YEARS ago. However, I think now is the perfect time for me to do this course. All my training and development not only added to, but also allowed for, me being ready for what this workshop taught. Out of my participation, I was able to pinpoint those ways of thinking, acting and being that had my relationships with men work and those that really really did not. I know that my unique skill set only made the experience richer.
What makes this program exceptional in that it is written by a woman and delivered by a woman. The only people who participate are women. The content is based on interviewing thousands upon thousands of men. The course is not an uniformed women talking about what they thing men want. It is relaying what men have said they want and how they think. My mind was blown by how men think, operate and relate to the world.
Throughout the class, I had about 100,000 moments when I understood why my life with men looked the way it did. Including the good, the bad and the ugly.
I will blog more about the specifics. I acquired everything I wanted and so so soooooo much more. Now it is possible for me is being satisfied with my relationships and not having to be in man-mode to produce a result.
So stay tuned. Men, I want to know from you what your thoughts are about this. What relationship advice can you give? What do you want women to know about men? Women who have done this program pipe in! Coven members, who have not, speak up too!
I love you all…
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