In my early twenties, I looked after a lovely little boy named Charlie. I started to baby-sit him at age 3 and continued to take care of him until his family moved right prior to him starting first grade. The little prince, small for his age with a mop of naturally curly sandy blonde hair that he hated, was all boy and the sweetest one at that. Upon my entering his house he would say, “Awyssa, you wook so pretty today.” He would proceed to grab the first available object and give it to me stating, “I maded this for you.” Once we were going to his friends’ house for dinner and he very somber sat me down, holding my hand, to notify me, “I might tawk to my friends more that you. Don’t be sad. We will spend time together water.” I would tuck him in at night and he would say, “I wanna cuddle.” I remember sitting with my friend Amy and her very active toddle Jack. We had a conversation with him about how he was never going to be disrespectful towards women. How do these little boys start out so sweet? What happens to them in puberty?
It isn’t puberty. It’s women. We disempower these little heroes to the point where they become the men we complain about as adults. No mother, aunt, grandmother, babystitter, teacher or girlfriend intends to do this but by the time they are in their college years they are so afraid of getting in trouble, yelled at, eliminated by a women that they became the creatures we hoped they would never be. We take princes and turn them into frogs. We are frog farmers.
I literally collect of frogs. An abundance of little frogs—candles, figurines, flannel and cotton nightshirts. I once had underwear with frogs on them. I have Peter Gabriel singing, “Kiss that Frog” live in my Itunes. All to remind me, you have to kiss an excruciating number of frogs to locate your prince. Why would you kiss them if you didn’t think they were a prince in the first place?
How many times have you started a new relationship and you knew you were dating an attentive, affectionate, thoughtful, peaceful prince yet as the relationship progressed he turned into a frog? I have farmed many frogs in my lifetime. Complaining, whining, withholding, mothering, taking over what they are doing, disappoving (including rolling your eyes and the curt “fine”), ignoring, interrupting, comparing them to other men or boys, and trying to be the better man is just a sampling of the fertalizer available to launch a frog farm. Who doesn’t do that right? How are you going to get men to do what you want them to do? Well, did you do those things when you first started dating? Probably not, because we don’t do those things to princes.
Exploring my significantly disastrous dating life, I realize the reason for breakdowns in my relationships is I have not allowed men be men. Convinced they are going to screw me over, not desire me, or find someone better I attempt to disempower them so that I don’t get my heartbroken. From my first love to the current relationship I notice this to be true. The problem begins the moment we, as women, unknowingly, lay the fertilizer for a frog farm given men cannot win which considering their competitive nature they are not going to play a game that they cannot succeed. For the average woman this clarifies why it looks like they take their ball and go home.
As women, a man dismays us when he fails to do what we, as females, would do in that situation. Men are not women. Men are men. DNA does not allow them to do what we would do. Let men be men and boys be boys and see what opens up for you.
To all the healthy, honorable men I have dated, I am sorry for making you a product of my frog farm.
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This is true. As a mother of two sons, I have witnessed this over and over. I cringe when I hear other mothers nagging their boys about minutia and putting down their husbands in public. I do not want to see what kind of hot mess that will turn into (and I secretly give the husband permission to screw his secretary- where's the love, man?) Plus it's just so fucking annoying. STFU already! :-)
ReplyDeleteFor my younger son, I always ask for male teachers for him, he's sensitive and I want him to stay that way. His dad and I say, "he's been yelled at enough by women, he needs a break from the drama." This has been met with mixed reactions. Most people understand it's meant slightly tongue-in- cheek, but others take it personally.
One of my male friends told me recently that he was having problems in his marriage (and he adores his wife). He just can't stand the nagging! I told him, I don't nag because I try to live by "do as to others..." I HATE being told what to do. So I don't tell my husband how to do stuff. He has his own way of doing laundry, driving the car, loading the dishwasher, disciplining his sons, so let it be. He knows what his responsibilities are for our family. I'm not prefect, but I try to support him in being the prince that he is and wants to be.
I had the very good fortune to read Dr. Laura's book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands".
ReplyDeleteMy challenge was getting Denise to read it without appearing to suggest it.
I did and it transformed our relationship. She says what you wrote, plus more.
If you are interested in creating the relationship you want with men, read this book too.
Mark
You are not alone sister. I have not only been a frog farmer, not only have suffered princes turning into frogs, but I have married and divorced three of them.. Always hoping that frog would turn into a prince and expecting what I now know to be impossible. Men are beautiful creations, given we allow them to be men and given we see the man they are through the eyes of reality instead of the rose colored glasses. I used to make the diminution of men a game in which there was no winner, certainly not he and definitely not me. It is a gift to know men and who they really are and how they show up, no matter their age or background. Given that, they are heros to all women and I am grateful to have an amazing son to celebrate and the gift of a future that is now open to the possibility of an amazing man in my life.
ReplyDeleteI think you're giving some of the men you dated too much credit. :)
ReplyDeleteSome men start as frogs and stay as frogs.
Just like some women are always going to be nagging bitches.
It's a balance between treating people in a way that allows them to be true to themselves, but still encourages personal responsibility, right?
Not that that balance is easy to achieve.
Amy,that is why I qualified it to all the healthy and honorable men....
ReplyDelete@amy: what comes up for me that brings to light the hilarity of it all is a cycle I, apparently, love to jump into:
ReplyDelete1. I buy a brand new princess pillow for a brand new "princess".
2. I go into the bathroom, open the toilet, take my frog out and set her free.
3. I go to the store to procure a princess.
4. I see a frog store and remember, frogs are cheaper.
5. I deduce that frogs are princesses that just need a little of what I got to become a princess.
6. I buy a frog.
Months later, I find myself taking my frog out of the toilet and putting it back on it's princess pillow for the millionth time, wondering where this frog came from and why does it keep going back to the toilet.
all to often I forget that I chose the frog and conveniently blame the frog for being a frog.
@alyssa: I have a theory as to why some people really hate cats. Cats will react to you and who you are being. If you are demanding, they rebel. If you are open, they are giving. If you are entitled, they with hold. They are little furry mirrors. People don't really hate cats, they just hate how cats show up in their space, which, is really about them...not the cats.
Partners are the same way, I suppose. For example: if you are perfect to me despite what you may think, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you disagree, in the end, you will become perfect to me.
You are extremely insightful and oh so powerful. It takes something to be responsible for having created a space for princes to pretend to be frogs, just to please you.
I particularly loved the point you brought up in this entry. I was in the process of starting to write a dating book for men before I did the Landmark Forum. (Working title, "The Complete Geek's Guide to Dating.)
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's so much women's fault that men become frogs, wusses, or rotten in relationships.
For a generation, boys have grown up in a culture that berates masculinity, subverts male power, and have had very few good role models for boys to aspire to. Men have also been somewhat "feminized."
At least 50% of grown men come from divorced homes and were raised by single moms who worked. The mom's gave the best advice they could, but mom's are not great role models for teaching young boys how to be in relationships.
Women need boys to grow up to be men; strong, confident, reliable, bold, committed, courteous, gallant, and witty.
There has been an absolute void of male role models who fit that bill in the past generation. Most boys role models occur in movies or television, and they're not real world models. (Consider, for example, American Presidents: Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Clinton, Bush's 1 & 2, and now Obama. How many of them are good role models?)
I think also in part, things have changed so fast culturally, that it hasn't caught up with biology. There are certain things that women find attractive that today's men are clueless about. Which is sad, and why I'm writing my book.
I want to create the win-win scenario for men and women to have fun, great relationships, and the freedom for women to be women, men to be men, and each to be empowered in who they are.