Introducing the "Not Man"

Today, while lying by my pool I met Robert. I know within minutes his destiny is to be the subject of today’s blog. The first thing that strikes me about him was his lack of mental clarity. I fully invoke my right to recycle Robert in future blogs because the more I think about it the more Robert serves as an example of a “Not Man.

I am fortunate enough to be in a relationship with a Man which allows me the ability to distinguish the “Not Man,” who is separate and not as recognizable as the metro sexual. Think of the annoying Frat Boy who graduated from college 10 years ago and still does keg stands and you acquire a sense of the “Not Man.”

On this perfect So Cal day; I am alone at the pool, when Robert enters the gates and sits in the chaise right next to me. Wearing a gray t-shirt, black nylon running pants with white stripes, white ankle sports socks and brown leather Teva Sandals that he could not be bothered to Velcro shut, he looks like a tool. Accessorized with large white-rimmed designer sunglasses and the baseball hat he isn’t wearing because his has styled his gray hair into a fauxhawk. Bigger tool. Not Sexy.

He says hi and to be polite I reply hi back. He introduces himself and I return the nicety. He then asks, “how you doing?” “Fine and you.” Which is when Robert, within a minute of our conversation complains, “I wish I could get more hours at work. My hours have been cut and I am digging into my savings to pay rent. I just don’t see it getting any better. The economy you know.” Now I begin to think I am dealing with a “Not Man.” A man fundamentally wants a woman to think he can provide for her, supply safety and be strong. A Man would not reveal such details to a women he just met at the pool (or a bar or church). Too much information, Robert.

Willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, I inquire what he does for a living. I know lots of people who have really great careers where the hours have been cut. Robert stocks shelves at mini marts. He proceeds to tell me how it seems like all the jobs are taken by foreigners and goes on to state he should probably get a second job but he’s too lazy. Now I know I talking to a “Not Man” as he would rather spend his savings than do what it takes to provide for himself. A Man wants to feed his village, Robert is quite content to either only eat berries or devour the dear the real hunter shot.

I won’t bore you with the whole conversation but the highlight (pun intended) is his comment on my hair. He doesn’t say I like your color, he pronounces, “I should get blond streaks like yours.” Instantly, I imagine the gray fauxhawk with beached tips. I really have no idea why he offers this information and really wish he hadn’t. Now I take out my phone to surf Facebook. He notifies he isn’t going to be out for long he “just wants to catch some rays.” And he has someone waiting in his apartment for him.

He takes of the shirt. I won’t say much about his physique other than ask the question, “Do they make training bras for man boobs?” And please appreciate he puts the shirt around his head to protect his gray hair.

After 45 Minutes of, “catching some rays,” he returns to whomever he has waiting in his apartment.

I wrote about Men being Men but to know what is looks like when a Man is being a Man you have to be able to recognize the “Not Man.” Robert provides the perfect example. To all the “Not Men” of the world please be men.

Am I being too harsh on “Not Man” Robert? Women, what do you think? Men, pipe in with other “Not Man” qualities and characteristics of being a Man.