In January I visited Chicago. I returned from my short trip not knowing who I was anymore. After living in Chicago for 15 years I have a rich set of memories in which I played many roles ranging from student (I have a BFA in Theatre from DePaul University), intern, barista, assistant, friend, lover, fundraiser…you get the picture.
My plane landed at John Wayne Airport (yes that is the name of the OC airport) and I felt lost in every area of my life.
A little over a year and half ago my company offered me a promotion in Newport Beach, CA. I moved brimming with possibility and the idea that I could reinvent myself. I had not played any part...except I relocated for the role I had been cast which was my job. I became my job. My identity was my job and very little else. I let my job dictate to me who I was. To be responsible I never committed to living in California presently so I put very little effort building or creating a life. Moreover, I stopped doing the things that nurtured me like knitting and reading.
By January, my anxiety was getting the better of me. As side symptom of ADD, I get anxious and sometimes have full blown panic attacks. I felt disconnected from myself. I had to do something. I wanted to be peaceful.
Step number one was to take care of myself. I started to demand of myself that I get no less than 7 hours of sleep a night.
The next thing was to make a doctors appointment and start medication for my ADD.
In taking those two actions, the fog started to lift. I began to become present to all the unworkablity around me that I had either caused or ignored. I wanted to be peaceful.
Here we are in March and I have the opportunity to take the next step in my path to self-discovery. I am no longer working so I am no longer my job. I now sit in my apartment with a lot of free time asking myself questions like who am I and what is next for me? What do I want? When should I eat lunch?
Strangely related to this inquiry is for the first time in over 2 years I have access to my Itunes music library. Music has always been something I relate to a time, a memory and/or a feeling. For New Years 2004, I created a five hour-long play list chronologically retelling the year through song. I am personally attached to my collection. Today, I spent hours cleaning it up and discovering what’s there. Doing so it is like reading (or rather listening to) my biography. Air Supply’s Making Love Out of Nothing At All reminds me of my friend Amy and my History Teacher Walt Gawkowski, who had a freakish obsession with the band. I have two versions of Desperado (Linda Ronstadt and The Eagles) and You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away (The Beetles and Eddie Vedder) from the years I was “sorta seeing” a commitment challenged, Pearl Jam loving, trader (and yes I wrote years). I ripped Ani DiFranco’s Fixing Her Hair, Bette Midler’s The Girl in Onto You, and I’ll Never Fall in Love Again (Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharack) when that train wreck of a relationship concluded. I downloaded Wish You Were Here because it reminds me of Redmond’s, an establishment I went to my first year at DePaul. I purchased Maggie May for my roommate and her significantly younger boyfriend. Each song tells my history and evokes a recollection of the past. It brings me a little closer to who I was. And it is a giant missing that I haven’t had access or added to it in over 2 years. It is like I have musical amnesia. So now is the time to take all those unknown pieces of me and create a new play list telling the tale of life in 2010. I made some additions to my Itunes today which include songs that remind me of laying by my pool last summer (Kid Rock, Pink and Beyonce), or the people I have met along the way (Bringing Sexy Back for Abbie), or my boyfriend (Toes by the Zac Brown Band).
In order to know where you are going you need to know where you came from.
For the weekend Project Organize Itunes is put on hold while I attend Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women with the intention of stopping emasculating men and learing what it means to feminine. www.effectivewomen.com
I will blog about the seminar. In the meantime, I have a few questions for you. What does your ipod say about you? What story does it tell?
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Alyssa,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this with us. I appreciate your vulnerability in sharing. What a great idea. By the way, my "ipod" doesn't say anything about me because I haven't moved into this decade yet; I have no IPOD. However, I owned all of those ALBUMS before donating them to charity; Linda Rondstadt, Air Supply, etc; all the older ones you mentioned.
So happy for you that you're in Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women. I took it just a few weeks ago, and it changed my life.
Sending love and blessings your way,
Cindy
Cindy, I love you but do you really think that the charity made that much money of the Air Supply ALBUMS. I have my dad's record collection from the 1960's....The Doors, The Beetles.
ReplyDeleteLoved LOVED LOVED the course today. Will blog about it soon just WOW!!
Alyssy, you move me. An insight to you is like a a ray of sunshine in my otherwise very busy day. The gift of Love is for me the gift of Friendship, and, you are my Friend. I am envisioning you by your pool, reading and tanning, turning that golden brown you seemed to wear all Winter here in California. Remember the Fish? Well, let's say that Fish saw more than most of my fetish and fame. You ask of my iPod? Well, I loaded mine once about 8 months ago, it died, erased, and since then it's been sitting on my dresser in its case with instructions waiting for me to fill it again. Today, as I have this week, I filled 2 bags of discard mail, papers, old program materials, STUFF that's been constipating my mind...living inauthentically in inauthenticity. My pipes are a bit clearer, getting closer to clarity, and, now, closer to my iPod being used as it sits on my dresser top (YES! I can actually now see the top of the dresser!!). First song, Joe Cocker's "You Can Leave Your Hat On". Love Ya Girl.
ReplyDeleteI have a little over 10,000 songs on my iPod. I take in into the operating room and use music as a metronome to help me subconsciously keep track of time and pace my movements. Mostly I play my "Best Of" playlist randomly. That way I know I'm never more than about 3-4 minutes from a better song if it picks one I don't care for. Interestingly, I can't listen to improv-jazz in surgery since it requires my attention which distracts me from the operation. The music has to be familiar for me to able to incorporate it into my brain subconsciously.
ReplyDeleteMy ipod says, "damn, this chick has super erratic taste in music."
ReplyDeleteOkay, I said what does your itunes say about you and you got ipod elitist on me.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks for sharing. I am finding out so much about all of you.
Mark, avoid improve jazz while operating on someone.
As my boyfriend say, "My ipod says I have better taste in music that you."