Topless in Irvine

Today, after 72 hours of solitude I ventured out to engage in human contact. I went to my old office to pick up some Surfer girl dresses a girlfriend had purchased for me. Seemingly mundane and non-blog worthy, I know. Read on.

At her suggestion, I take the clothes to the bathroom to try on…just in case. Certain, these mediums will fit me, I am normally a small/size 6. The first one, the Blue, Swell, Tunic Dress shirt fits like a charm. Onto the O’Neill Bombay Dress in multi, a triangle halter top with nylon rope straps and uber cute. A wee bit tight as I pull it over my shoulders but once it is on it looks really good. I think I’ll keep it. Time to try on the Lucy Love Almost Famous Maxi Dress. Oh, wait this isn’t coming off. Crap. I succeed in my struggle to get it past my chest. Oh no, my shoulders, though not broad, are wider than my chest. I think I am trapped in this dress. I may have to cut it off my body. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? Ok, get Christine. Embarrassed, I don’t want to…she will see my boobs. She’s a mother, though not old enough to be my mom, she will know what to do. Pull it down, tie it up and head out to find help. I locate her in the copier room. “I need you help getting out of this dress,” I inform her. “Let me look, you didn’t tie it here,” she suggests. “Tying is not going to help me get out of the dress!” “Ok let’s get you out of this dress.” “Let’s go to the bathroom.” “Oh you are right, not here.”

Back to the bathroom/fitting room we go. Christine asks me if I have tried untying it, I tell her I am not am idiot. Oh, dear she declares. Can you kneel? I will do whatever it takes to get out of this dress, it’s pretty but I do not want to wear this all summer. Of course I can kneel. I am now on my knees while she is pulling the dress over my head, “Oh dear, ok, suck in you breasts. Now suck in you shoulders. What just ripped? We are taking this back!” Now the dress is off me. I am standing in the bathroom of my former workplace with a friend braless and afraid to try on anymore clothes.

I have not had human contact in three days and my first outing ends up with me topless, after being trapped in a dress, in the bathroom of my ex-employer with my good friend. Does this shit happen to other people? I suspect, not so much.

Here is my question. Who is wearing this dress? I am a small/size six. My breasts are diminutive (though perfect and perky) in size. Blessed I am, I am able to buy anything off the rack or online and have it fit me. The only person who could wear this is a ten year old with boobs.