The Wrong Situation? How Would you Know?

Last week I was talking to a friend who had recently ended an unworkable relationship. After a long time of trying to fix it came time to admit that it was like trying to put a round peg into a square whole. Though she cognitively knew it was for the best she couldn’t help but wade to the pool of indulgence that we are drawn to from time to time. When one is wading in that lake they are fraught with questions such as, “What is wrong with me that __________?”

Being someone who has been known to wade—as well as swim and soak—in that puddle, I was able to share the most impactful coaching I have ever received regarding relationships. It could be that you dated the wrong person and how would you know if you dated the wrong person?

She began to answer me with all the symptoms of an unworkable relationships: diminished sex life, arguments, lack of intimacy and communication.

She was answering how do you know that your relationship isn’t working.

Ask yourself, how do you know if you dated the wrong person?

I have dated, aligned myself with, engaged with and the like with many the wrong person. Sometimes I was smart enough to know it was never ever going to develop into anything more than what it was. Other times I spent a months—even years—working on, surviving and trying to fix relationships with the wrong men.

How do you know you dated the wrong person? You would have to date them.

The only way to know if you dated the wrong person is to actually date the wrong person. Otherwise you wouldn’t know with all certainty that they are the inappropriate individuals. Without dating the unsuitable suitor you limit the opportunities to court the correct character.

In 2007, when I grasped this concept a whole new world opened up for me. No longer did I wonder what was wrong with me? Why not me? Why did I stay in an unworkable situation for so long? I was no longer a failure at relationships or selecting appropriate people. Moreover, all those character weakness—exhibited by men—were no longer used as a personality indictment. Resentment melted away making way for completion, and in some cases affinity. Suddenly, there was nothing wrong with me and there was nothing wrong with them. I just dated the incorrect men.

Now in 2010, I am not longer interested in wading, swimming or soaking in the pool of indulgence for any past mistake or failure. I am responsible for doing and participating in the wrong things. Instead of being resentful I am appreciative. Every person and every encounter has contributed to my journey in life.

Without the wrong relationship, friend or job how would I know what is right for me?

Finally at 35, I have clear view on right (for me) versus wrong (for me), workable versus unworkable. I am unwilling to waste one more minute engaging in those events that do not serve, provide and nurture me; likewise, I will not waste time with those high cost, positional drama lovers. Heretofore, I have become a master at tolerating and powering through Bull Shit to produce a result. I do not want the next 35 years of my life to be filled with questions such as, “What the hell was I thinking?” “Why did I think that was okay?”

I am blessed to be surrounded by some of the most amazing people on the planet; moreover, I am blessed that they think I am extraordinary. I trust their input, direction and guidance. I no longer associate with the wrong people and activities but not out of elitism. I am certain they are the right people and situations for someone else.

It could be that you dated the wrong person, had the wrong friends, worked the wrong job but how would you know? That’s right you would have to participate in life and be willing to make mistakes. Consider it a game that will contribute to the ever-evolving human being you are.

For those of you in and around the pool of indulgence I invite you to forgive yourself and the person or situation.

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